The eCrozier

“I cry, because I only ever truly desired Love. Kindness. Understanding. Warmth. Touch.
And these things shall be denied, for eternity.”
– Kelly Catlin, Olympic Silver Medal Cyclist

The above words were written just before Ms. Catlin took her own life earlier this year. She was an accomplished Olympian, a superb student at Stanford University, and a gifted violinist. She seemed to excel in everything. The words above must haunt her family and friends. What could they have done to prevent her suicide? Did they let her down in some way? She’s crying out for love and connection. What more could her family and friends have done to love her and connect with her? I’m sure they’re second-guessing every encounter they had with her. If they’re not, then they’re not human. When a tragedy like this happens, our minds immediately look for someone to blame. We’re wired that way. We need sense-making, so we find a source for blame, and in doing so, we can move on and not have to dwell on it. But we should dwell on it.

In reading the story of Ms. Catlin (you can read it here: Driven to the End), I felt the author walked a careful line that avoided assigning blame, while also describing in great detail the “performance-achievement” culture in which she was raised. Even though her parents didn’t intend it, Ms. Catlin got the message that she was only loved when she excelled and achieved. It’d be easy to blame her parents for perpetuating such a culture, but her parents were just as broken as she was. So, let’s avoid assigning blame. Rather, let’s face the uncomfortable truth of how frequently we each engage in “conditional” love with those closest to us. How often do we send the often-unconscious message that we love them only when they provide some utility to us? When one adds in our toxic “performance-achievement” culture, then we’re all drinking a deadly cocktail. Drinking that cocktail leads us to believe that we’re only loved when we provide something for someone. We even bring this into our relationship with God assuming God must only love us when we behave in certain ways or follow particular rules. This conditional, merit-based love actually becomes our default practice. But it’s not the Good News of Jesus.

There’s a scene in the 1978 film, Midnight Express, that may help us. The American protagonist is somewhat unjustly imprisoned in Turkey. Years go by and he’s slowly going insane from the confinement. Each day, the inmates gather for exercise by walking clockwise around the prison yard. In order to snap out of his growing insanity, one day he decides to walk counter-clockwise, which sends everyone in the prison yard into an uproar. He’s committing “heresy,” a gross violation of the rules, but he gets his mind back and plans his escape. We need to snap out of our default practice concerning God’s love and how we love others. The Good News from Jesus is we’re all loved by God regardless of how faithful, good, or effective we are. And this Good News calls us to love others similarly, even when they provide no utility to us. But to live in such a way, we’ll have to walk in the opposite direction. Let’s all be cultural heretics.

+Scott