The eCrozier

I never always do that – Anonymous

We’re too quick to reach conclusions about just how we’d act in particular situations or when we’re faced with certain challenges. So, we hear about something someone did and we’ll conclude we’d never do that or react like that person. Problem is…we might…given the circumstances in the heat of the moment. When we say “I’d never do that” or “I always do this” we’re really not being honest with ourselves or with those to which we might be tempted to pontificate. Years ago, I remember hearing about a guy who ran when a big dog came out of nowhere and barked menacingly at him. I recall shaking my head and thinking “what a scaredy-cat. I’d never do that. I stand up to unleashed dogs. They need to know who’s boss!” Not too long after, the same thing happened to me. I jumped and ran just like that guy did. So much for my bravado around vicious dogs.

Social scientists call this the “hot-cold empathy gap.” In our “cold” mode we can rationally surmise a situation, place our best self in the situation, and hold forth on how we’d coolly do the right thing. And yet, when we’re in our “hot” mode, we don’t always follow our cool, rational self. It’s important to realize the “empathy gap” in question is with ourselves. We tend to judge ourselves harshly in this “gap,” believing that we’re moral failures, cowards, or simply behaving stupidly when fail to live up to the standards of our cool, rational persona when we’re in the heat of the moment.

In a recent episode of NPR’s Hidden Brain, they presented stories of people, both male and female, reflecting on past sexual experiences. In each case, the person knew ahead of time that engaging in unprotected sex was highly risky behavior. They’d been taught by parents and teachers about the dangers of contracting diseases or the difficult consequences of unplanned pregnancies. Yet, in the heat of the moment, as it were, these same knowledgeable, rational people went ahead with such risky behavior, complete with brutal self-recriminations the next day. But later, they did again.

As a young man working in Kentucky for a church home-repair project, I bragged about how I could drive an 18-wheeler. The next day my boss asked me to drive an 18-wheeler, fully loaded with sheetrock, 50 miles to our new storage facility. You guessed it, I’d never driven an 18-wheeler. I should’ve confessed my braggadocio, but in the heat of the moment, my foolish pride was greater than any good sense. How I made that trip without killing myself and/or others still baffles me. I do recall getting out of the truck cab upon arriving at the facility and discovering my legs wouldn’t stop shaking.

Such heated moments expose our moral failings or, at least, our stupidity. But during times of such “heat,” it’s highly human to fail to live up to the standards we know are right and true. And dwelling in shame at such times won’t make us better human beings. Hopefully, our experience makes us wiser, but my hunch is we all find ourselves still doing stupid things in the heated moments in which we find ourselves. God’s mercy and the forgiveness of others is all we can really cling to.

+Scott